Resistance

You’ve finally decided it’s time to make a change in your life.

You know, like meditation, exercise, daily writing, eating healthy –

For the first few days you have lots of enthusiasm.

Things are going well. You feel good.

And then…

After a few days, the enthusiasm begins to dwindle. Suddenly you’re not so motivated any more.

So, you skip a day.

Then suddenly, without any warning whatsoever…

Boom! You’re back in your old habits.

What happened? How come I stopped? I was so motivated.

Change is hard. It is really, really – no, seriously – really F~#$*%G hard.

We have tremendous resistance to change. There are many mechanisms operating within us to keep us from changing – from evolving.

Let’s get real for a moment here.

There is a part inside of us that says, “I don’t want to change. I want to stay as I am. I want to stay comfortable and cozy.”

Can you feel that part? I know I can.

It wants me to go back to bed this morning, even as I write these words. It tells me that the cozy, warm bed feels way better than being awake at 5:30 in the morning to write.

It tells me to eat one last cookie after I already ate a bunch. After all, I worked hard today, so I deserve some good all self-care.

Sound familiar?

The same goes for therapy. If you are doing good work in therapy, you are being challenged and change is happening. Guess what? Resistance is going to hit you.

It might say, “Maybe therapy doesn’t work.”

Or at a more subtle level, you might just feel like you don’t want to do it, even though you’ve been growing.

Resistance is not one thing. It can show up in many ways and depending on our history it will be different for all of us.

There are many ways resistance might show up.

Pleasure-seeking patterns…

We want comfort. We want pleasure.

Part of this is instinctive, and part of it is conditioned.

Anything that makes us uncomfortable, we resist.

Fear…

Fear is a big one. It shows up as soon as we are shifting out of the comfort zone. Fear itself is not a problem regarding change. In fact, we can see it as a signal that we are getting out of our comfort zone, so we know we are on the right track.

Having said that, that doesn’t mean all fear is a signal that we are growing. If we see a tiger and feel fear, that just means we are afraid because we are about to get eaten.

With inner work and self-exploration, we can learn to distinguish the fear that is resistance and the fear that is ‘Oh shit, I’m in serious trouble.’

Yes, fear is very uncomfortable. So what?

You can actually learn to get comfortable with the discomfort.

By acknowledging it, you can learn to accept that it will show up when you are growing; and by default, you will try to avoid whatever is making you feel fear.

So, it’s helpful to connect with its energy, and welcome it.

Fooling ourselves…

We all fool ourselves at some level. We don’t see reality as it is. We distort it to make it congruent with our conditioned sense of self.

Real change is going to challenge our sense of self, so we are going to try and keep ourselves as we know ourselves to be.

If you believe that you don’t like Brussels sprouts because when you were little you were forced to eat them, you are probably not going to even try them as an adult.

You really believe you don’t like them, and you don’t even question the idea.

But imagine that you are courageous, and one day you decide to give them a try. They were cooked in a great sauce at a great restaurant; and your partner ordered them, so you decide to give them a try.

To your surprise they taste delicious. You realize that you had been fooling yourself based on an old belief that wasn’t true.

We basically interpret reality in a way that matches our worldview and conditioning. Learning to question that in ourselves and not take our beliefs at face value, will help us grow and evolve.

The Inner Critic…

You are so full of shit. Good for nothing. Get your life together.

That voice that is constantly policing us. It can sometimes be a subtle commentary about what we are doing and sometimes a brutal critic without mercy.

It holds us back from growing. It tries to keep the status quo.

Change is challenging; and at some level, it is a threat to who we are. For true change to happen, an old part of us must die.

The inner critic is trying to protect us.

You would think that the inner critic is trying to help you change. After all, it is constantly telling you how to change – how fucked up you are.

If you look at it honestly, as soon as you begin attempting real change, an internal alarm goes off.

Bam! The inner critic will start yelling – shaming you and doing whatever it can to stop you from moving forward.

Expect it.

It will show up. You will resist change either in therapy or in any attempt you make at changing something in your life. The more we accept it and get comfortable with it, the easier it is to work with it.

In my case when I hear the seductive voice telling me to go back to bed, I recognize it and feel its pull.

By doing that, I have a choice. The problem is when it is unconscious, when I am not aware of it, then I act with it.

But when I am fully aware that it is operating, I can decide to choose differently.

Don’t judge yourself for acting it out.

We will succumb to it many times. And that is ok.

When we judge ourselves for not following through or indulging, we end up reinforcing a pattern of self-judgment and indulgence.

If I beat myself for eating another cookie, then I will feel worse and eat even more cookies.

Connect with the part of you that wants to change.

Just as we all have resistance, we all have a natural movement toward maturation, towards optimization.

This is a powerful force, and we can connect with it in our bodies. We can feel its energy and movement. When we do that and feel the pleasure of growth and challenge, there is no resistance that will keep us down.

Have fun. Do healthy things that feel good.

If we are only pushing ourselves and not having fun, we won’t last a bit.

For growth to be optimal, we need the right balance between challenge and support.

Now that you know about resistance, I challenge you to reach out to me and get quality support.

Call (415) 891-9562 now to schedule a free consultation.